We constantly make decisions, each of which has consequences for our lifestyle and on the amount of stress we face. There are the really big decisions that determine the pattern of our lives; for example, where to live, whether to marry or have children; the work we do, personal targets we set, and the cultural and recreational activities we choose to become involved with.
Then there are the smaller day to day choices, in which the decision is often whether to say Yes or No.
*Yes, I can get back in time to come to your dinner party. I can come straight from the airport.
*Yes, I will be pleased to do the opening at your product launch
*Yes, I can definitely be at the presentation. I will bring copies of the figures for everyone
*Yes, of course, you must stay the weekend. It will be no trouble.
*Yes, I can get the report done this evening. You will have it on your desk in the morning.
You could of course choose to say No in any of these situations. Think how doing so would ease the pressure! Think how much you often want to say No, but you feel you cannot. Why not?
There are generally a number of reasons. We do not want to offend, we feel obligated, or we would feel guilty. Most often, we do not know how to say No without causing offense or damaging the relationship in some way.
Next time you want to say No, try these four steps. Underlying the process is the notion that you first offer consideration to the person making the request, then you give consideration to your own needs. Only then do you make your decision.
1. Ask questions until you are CLEAR on exactly what the person wants; check that you understand fully.
2. Use empathy to ACKNOWLEDGE how the person feels about the situation.
3. Step back and take time to RECOGNISE your own needs and priorities.
4. Think through the EFFECT and consequences of your decision.
Then, if you decide to say No, FIRST give your reasons, so the other person can understand how you arrived at your decision. At least this way, they will understand your decision and be able to respect it, even if they would have preferred that you had said Yes.
When you learn to say No, you will be in better position to CARE for yourself by reducing your stress level.
Maureen Collins trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people in her consulting practice, Straight Talk. She has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, Get free Straight Talk Tips. straight-talk.co.za
